Have you ever felt your butt fall asleep? That’s what I’m experiencing right now. It’s not the tingly feeling, but rather a numb feeling. That’s how I was feeling last night as I looked at my husband, who was so fixated on his phone that he was oblivious to the fact that I’m suffocating inside these walls of our home. These walls in my mind. I struggle to break free on a daily. I know the steps, I know the right mantra to repeat to myself. Yet the feeling, the breaking, never comes.
I’ve built this life for myself. With all the head knowledge and emotions that I’ve gathered in my (almost) 29 years, I have made manifest my dream family and my dream home. Even my dream life. So why do I feel oppressed? Why do I feel like I am trapped in a way? Chained to this dream. Perhaps it comes from a foolish desire to be my husband’s muse. Some times I feel like I’m in competition with Facebook. When I see him on his phone searching for affirmation, I feel like the wife of an addict. Neglected and taken for granted. His “need” for confirmation is a core humanistic trait, yet it leaves me lonely.
Could this be why I suddenly requested and received a new puppy? One that was abandoned and ill, one that I could nurse back to health with medicine and my love? Do I need to be needed?
I hate my flesh. I have everything I need, and most of what I want. Yet it will never be enough. I must focus on my blessings and stop blowing my negative emotions up into a canvas for my home. Beauty and sunshine await.